Low libido is a common challenge that many couples face at some point in their relationship. It can cause feelings of frustration, rejection, or even resentment if left unaddressed. But low libido isn’t a problem with one simple fix—it’s often a complex issue tied to physical, emotional, or relational factors.
In my work with clients, I’ve seen how openly addressing low libido and its underlying causes can not only relieve relationship strain but also create opportunities for deeper connection. With the right approach, couples can rebuild trust, intimacy, and understanding—even in the face of mismatched desires.
This guide offers practical strategies to navigate the challenges of low libido, incorporating insights from experts like Emily Nagoski and Esther Perel, whose work provides a deeper understanding of desire and connection.
What Causes Low Libido?
Low libido can stem from a variety of factors—physical, emotional, or situational. Understanding these causes is the first step toward finding solutions as a couple.
• Physical Causes: Hormonal imbalances, chronic pain, medication side effects, or fatigue can all impact sexual desire.
• Emotional Causes: Stress, depression, anxiety, or unresolved trauma often play a significant role in reducing libido.
• Relational Causes: Disconnection, unresolved conflicts, or unmet emotional needs can lead to a decrease in intimacy.
• Lifestyle Causes: Lack of sleep, poor diet, or lack of personal time and fulfillment may also contribute.
Emily Nagoski, in her book Come As You Are, explains the dynamics of sexual desire through the lens of “accelerators and brakes.” Accelerators are the things that ignite desire—like feeling emotionally connected, setting a romantic atmosphere, or engaging in physical touch. Brakes, on the other hand, are the things that suppress desire, such as stress, relationship conflict, or insecurity.
No matter how much your foot is on the accelerator, if you also have your foot on the brake, you’re not going to go anywhere. Identifying what presses the brakes—and working to ease those barriers—can help couples restore balance.
1. Start with Open Communication
Low libido often creates misunderstandings that make the situation worse. One partner may feel rejected, while the other feels guilt or pressure. Honest and compassionate communication is essential to bridge this gap.
• Set the Stage for a Safe Conversation: Create an environment where both partners feel comfortable sharing their feelings without fear of judgment or criticism.
• Use “I” Statements: Express feelings in a non-blaming way, such as, “I feel distant when we don’t connect physically,” instead of, “You never want to have sex.”
• Avoid Pressuring Your Partner: Pressure only reinforces negative feelings and can make the issue worse. Focus on understanding and problem-solving as a team.
2. Rekindle Emotional Intimacy
Low libido often reflects deeper relational disconnection. Esther Perel, a renowned relationship expert, emphasizes that desire thrives in an environment of mystery, curiosity, and autonomy—qualities that often fade in long-term relationships.
• Reconnect Emotionally: Spend quality time together that’s free from distractions or responsibilities. Simple activities like cooking together, taking a walk, or planning a date night can help rebuild connection.
• Express Affection Outside the Bedroom: Show love through non-sexual touch, such as hugs, hand-holding, or cuddling.
• Cultivate Curiosity: Take time to rediscover what excites and fulfills your partner both emotionally and physically.
3. Address Underlying Causes Together
Low libido is rarely just about sex. It’s often tied to deeper issues that need attention and care.
• Identify Stressors: Stress is one of the biggest libido brakes. Work together to identify and reduce stressors in your daily lives.
• Support Physical Health: Encourage your partner to explore potential medical factors with a healthcare provider, such as hormonal imbalances or medication side effects.
• Seek Emotional Support: If mental health challenges like anxiety or depression are contributing, individual or couples therapy can provide tools to manage these issues.
Understanding Nagoski’s accelerators and brakes framework can be particularly helpful. When couples work together to ease the brakes—whether by reducing stress, addressing emotional disconnect, or finding ways to feel safe and appreciated—desire has a better chance of returning naturally.
4. Redefine Intimacy
Intimacy doesn’t have to equal intercourse. By broadening your definition of intimacy, you can reduce pressure and create opportunities to reconnect in new ways.
• Try Sensate Focus Exercises: These structured exercises help couples explore touch and sensation without the goal of intercourse, building comfort and trust.
• Focus on Non-Sexual Intimacy: Massage, shared laughter, and meaningful conversations can foster connection without physical expectations.
• Celebrate Small Wins: Celebrate moments of connection and progress, no matter how small, to build momentum and confidence.
5. When to Seek Professional Help
If low libido continues to create strain despite your efforts, professional support can be invaluable.
• Couples Therapy: A therapist can help improve communication, address relational dynamics, and foster emotional safety.
• Sex Therapy: A certified sex therapist can provide practical tools to navigate mismatched desire and reconnect sexually.
• Pelvic Floor Therapy: For individuals experiencing physical discomfort or tension, pelvic floor therapy can relieve barriers to intimacy.
Insights from My Work with Clients
In my book, Different Me, Different Us: The Readable Part of Couples Therapy, I explore the role of emotional safety, curiosity, and understanding in creating a fulfilling intimate connection. Drawing on frameworks like Nagoski’s accelerators and brakes, I help clients uncover what enhances or inhibits their desire.
Esther Perel’s work also plays a key role in my approach, particularly her insights into reigniting desire through intentional effort and renewed curiosity. When couples take the time to explore these ideas, they often find that low libido is an opportunity for growth rather than an insurmountable challenge.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. What’s the difference between low libido and mismatched libidos?
Low libido refers to a decrease in sexual desire that can happen to anyone for a variety of reasons. Mismatched libidos occur when one partner’s desire levels differ significantly from the other’s, which can happen even if neither person has a “low” libido.
2. How do I talk to my partner about low libido without making them feel pressured?
Focus on creating a judgment-free space for honest conversation. Use “I” statements to share how you feel and ask open-ended questions to understand your partner’s perspective. Avoid placing blame and emphasize teamwork.
3. Can stress really affect libido that much?
Absolutely. Stress is one of the most common libido brakes, as it activates the body’s fight-or-flight response and redirects energy away from sexual desire. Managing stress through self-care, mindfulness, or therapy can help ease its impact.
4. Is low libido always a sign of a bigger problem?
Not necessarily. Sometimes it’s a temporary response to factors like fatigue or hormonal changes. However, if it persists or causes relationship strain, it’s worth exploring deeper causes with the help of a professional.
5. How long does it take to resolve low libido in a relationship?
There’s no set timeline, as every couple’s situation is unique. The key is patience and consistent effort. Celebrate small improvements and stay open to growth along the way.
Rebuilding Connection, One Step at a Time
Navigating relationship strain caused by low libido can be challenging, but it’s also an opportunity to deepen your bond and grow together. By addressing underlying causes, improving communication, and redefining intimacy, you can work as a team to restore connection and pleasure.
At Zillennial Intimacy, we’re here to help you navigate intimacy challenges with care and compassion. Whether through therapy, coaching, or resources, we can guide you toward a more fulfilling and connected relationship.
Your relationship is worth the effort. Together, you can create a space for love, understanding, and desire to thrive.
by Maddie Hundley, LMFT
Commentaires