Vanilla gets a bad rap sometimes, doesn’t it? As a marriage and family therapist and intimacy coach, I’ve heard so many people use the term “vanilla” as if it’s something to be ashamed of. But let me tell you—there’s absolutely nothing wrong with preferring a simpler, more conventional approach to intimacy. In fact, vanilla can be deeply fulfilling, meaningful, and downright beautiful when it resonates with who you are.
Let’s dive into what being vanilla in bed really means, how you can embrace it as part of your sexual identity, and even explore ways to spice things up (if you want to!) while staying true to yourself.
1. What Does Being ‘Vanilla’ in Bed Mean?
If someone describes themselves as “vanilla” in the bedroom, it generally means they enjoy a more traditional, straightforward approach to sex—think intimacy, emotional connection, and comfort over experimentation or kink.
And here’s the thing: vanilla doesn’t mean boring. There’s beauty in simplicity. For many, the appeal of vanilla intimacy lies in focusing on the bond with their partner rather than introducing elements that might feel unfamiliar or outside their comfort zone. It’s a valid, fulfilling way to experience intimacy, and it’s just as meaningful as any other sexual preference.
2. How Can You Tell If You’re Vanilla?
Here’s a simple way to think about it: if you feel most comfortable sticking to traditional forms of intimacy and aren’t particularly curious about exploring unconventional or experimental activities, you might lean toward being vanilla.
For some, this means prioritizing emotional closeness and connection over novelty or thrill. It’s not about labeling yourself—it’s about understanding what makes you feel happy, safe, and fulfilled.
3. Stereotypes About Being Vanilla
Let’s talk about the stereotypes, because there are plenty. People often associate vanilla intimacy with being boring or unimaginative, as if it’s somehow “less than” other ways of expressing yourself sexually.
But here’s the truth: intimacy is personal. Whether you lean toward vanilla or something more adventurous, it’s all about finding what fulfills you. Vanilla can be just as exciting, creative, and satisfying as kinkier preferences—it just looks different.
Think of it this way: vanilla is a classic for a reason. It’s timeless, reliable, and deeply enjoyable for so many people. There’s no right or wrong way to experience intimacy, and there’s certainly no hierarchy when it comes to what’s “better.”
4. How to Empower Yourself as a Vanilla Individual
One of the most empowering things you can do is embrace your preferences as part of your sexual identity. If vanilla is what feels authentic to you, own it! You don’t have to conform to societal pressures or compare yourself to others who might enjoy something different.
In my book, Different Me, Different Us, I explore how emotional safety is the foundation of fulfilling intimacy. When you feel safe, heard, and connected, your experiences become meaningful—no matter what they look like. Vanilla intimacy can hold just as much depth and satisfaction as any other approach.
Empowerment comes from knowing yourself, trusting your preferences, and appreciating the beauty in how you connect with your partner.
5. How to Embrace or Spice Things Up While Staying Vanilla
Here’s the fun part: just because you identify as vanilla doesn’t mean you can’t explore ways to add a little excitement to your experiences. The key is to stay true to yourself and your comfort zone while introducing small changes that enhance connection and pleasure.
Some ideas:
• Sensual Massages: Use oils, candles, or lotions to explore touch in new ways. Focus on connection rather than outcome.
• Set the Mood: Incorporate music, lighting, or scents that make the experience feel special.
• Explore New Touch: Try different forms of touch, like light feathering, holding eye contact, or focusing on specific areas of the body.
• Play with Timing: Switch up the time of day or location to add variety without straying from what feels comfortable.
• Experiment with Communication: Talk about fantasies or desires, even if they’re within the vanilla spectrum. Sharing openly can deepen intimacy.
Spicing things up doesn’t have to mean stepping outside your identity. It’s about finding what excites you while staying true to what feels good and right.
The Beauty of Vanilla
If being vanilla resonates with you, there’s no need to apologize or feel like you’re missing out. Vanilla intimacy is about connection, comfort, and emotional safety—and that’s incredibly valuable.
While some may view vanilla as “simple,” I see it as timeless. It’s a way of honoring what makes you and your partner feel fulfilled, without the need for comparison or outside expectations.
Whether you identify as vanilla or not, remember: intimacy is about what works for you. If you want guidance on building deeper emotional connection or exploring ways to enhance your intimate life, my team and I are here to help.
At Zillennial Intimacy (https://zillennialintimacy.coach), we offer sex therapy and intimacy coaching in California—and soon, in Texas. For those outside these states, I provide virtual coaching anywhere in the world. No matter where you are, we’re here to help you embrace and celebrate your unique sexual identity.
Vanilla isn’t boring—it’s beautiful. Let’s celebrate it together.
by Maddie Hundley, LMFT
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