You’ve achieved a goal many people dream of: you’ve found the person you want to spend forever with. Forever—a word that encompasses a lifetime of shared memories, laughter, and yes, even the same sexual partner. But as the years roll by and life throws its inevitable curveballs, you might find yourself in a situation where you and your partner never have sex anymore. Before you panic, let’s take a moment to acknowledge that this is perfectly normal.
As responsibilities pile up—kids, careers, bills—it’s common for the honeymoon phase to fade and for sexual desire to take a backseat. You might start wondering, “Is my partner losing attraction to me?” or “Is it normal to not have sex anymore?” These are valid concerns that many couples face. According to Marriage and Family Therapist Maddie Hundley in her book Different Me, Different Us: The Readable Part of Couple Therapy, various factors contribute to the decline in sexual satisfaction over time. Hundley explains that the longer a couple is together, the more the excitement of seduction and desire can fizzle out.
It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that there’s no need to chase after your partner once you’ve been together for a while. But this couldn’t be further from the truth. Changes in body shape, hormonal fluctuations leading to low libido, or even mobility issues can affect sexual dynamics. Perhaps you’ve both settled into a routine, and sex feels more like a scheduled task than an exciting adventure. But all is not lost. Hundley offers valuable advice on how to maintain a satisfying sex life in long-term relationships. First and foremost, she emphasizes the importance of prioritizing your sexual connection, even when life’s distractions threaten to pull you apart. Remember, your stresses are intertwined, and it’s essential to work through them together.
This leads to another key tip Hundley provides, “communicate openly and honestly about sexual needs and desires.” If you feel like your partner might be losing attraction to you or if you're concerned about your own waning desire, it’s crucial to talk about it. A closed mouth doesn’t get fed, after all. Effective communication in relationships is essential for addressing concerns and ensuring both partners feel valued and understood. You can reignite the spark by discussing what turns you on, what’s been missing, and how you both can work towards a more fulfilling sexual relationship.
Hundley also introduces the concept of “Responsive Desire,” which is the arousal that builds in anticipation of pleasure or in response to it. This could be triggered by physical touch, emotional intimacy, or even a romantic setting. By recognizing and nurturing this response, you can keep the sexual connection alive and enhance physical intimacy over time.
How to Keep the Relationship Interesting
Speaking from personal experience, my husband and I have been together for 11 years, and we both lost our virginity to one another. We've been each other's only partners, and that has created a unique bond between us. Over the years, we've learned the importance of communicating openly about our desires and needs, including how to talk about sex with your partner. We are vulnerable with each other, sharing not only what we like in the bedroom but also what we don't—and we stay open to exploring new things together to keep the relationship interesting.
Hundley emphasizes that it's crucial to "prioritize sex and create a 'protected space' for it in the relationship, built on a strong foundation of friendship and trust." This resonates deeply with us because we started as friends before becoming lovers. Our friendship is the bedrock of our relationship, and it has allowed us to maintain a strong, intimate connection even after more than a decade together. We never doubt our love for one another, and we always make time for each other, understanding that intimacy can take many forms. Sometimes, our intimacy is about physical connection in the bedroom, and other times, it’s as simple as sitting in silence with some part of our bodies touching. We also keep things fun in the bedroom—ropes, toys, and safe words, oh my! Even after 11 years together, our sexual experiences are amazing, and with every experience, we grow closer.
Another key practice that has strengthened our relationship is showing appreciation for one another and always giving each other the benefit of the doubt. We always remember that we’re on the same team, which helps us build emotional safety with your partner. This mindset not only improves emotional intimacy but also creates a safe place to communicate our needs and desires, which in turn enhances physical intimacy in our marriage.
How to Talk About Having Sex After Being Abstinent for So Long
If you’ve found yourselves in a dry spell, it can be challenging to bring up the topic of sex. However, Hundley advises that addressing this openly is key to getting back on track. It’s normal to feel awkward or unsure about how to talk about having sex after being abstinent for so long, but the conversation is necessary. You might feel nervous or embarrassed, but breaking the ice can lead to a renewed sense of closeness.
Experiment and Explore
To keep things fresh, consider trying new things in the bedroom. Whether it’s experimenting with different positions, exploring fantasies, or changing up locations, variety can bring back the excitement that might have faded over time. And remember, sex in real life isn’t the spontaneous, perfectly orchestrated act often portrayed in media. Sometimes, planning when to get intimate can add a layer of anticipation that’s just as thrilling.
Conclusion: Rediscovering Your Connection
In the end, the most important thing to remember is that maintaining intimacy requires effort from both partners. Life will always present challenges, and you may encounter problems with relationship dynamics, but by prioritizing your relationship and keeping the lines of communication open, you can keep the spark alive. So, don’t be afraid to talk about what you need, to plan for intimacy, and to experiment with new ways to connect. After all, forever is a long time, and it’s worth investing in the love and intimacy that brought you together in the first place.
Written by Bertha Rios-Neikirk
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