Have you ever noticed that a current or past partner seemed overly dependent on you, or perhaps they were quick to pull away or appeared emotionally distant? Or maybe you find yourself feeling uncomfortable with closeness and emotional expression. These behaviors, also known as Attachment styles, are often rooted in attachment wounds—unconsciously learned during childhood—that can have a profound impact on your relationship as an adult.
Attachment styles in relationships are nothing new, but understanding them can make a significant difference in your connection with your partner. If you're familiar with attachment theory for couples, you may already recognize these patterns in yourself or your partner. If not, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Maddie Hundley’s book Different Me, Different Us: the readable part of couples therapy provides a breakdown of the different attachment styles, how they are formed, and why understanding your partner’s attachment style is so important.
Attachment wounds are emotional injuries that often occur in childhood when our basic needs for safety, trust, love, or support go unmet by our guardians. These wounds can leave a lasting impact, influencing how we form and maintain relationships as adults. Hundley explains that these attachment wounds can manifest as mental, physical, or emotional roadblocks, creating challenges like emotional distance, difficulty expressing needs, or the fear of abandonment.
Understanding your partner’s attachment style can be a game-changer. It helps establish the foundations of emotional safety in relationships, supports understanding emotional needs, and can aid in overcoming intimacy fears and overcoming sexual anxiety. These realizations often lead to strengthening relationship bonds and building secure attachments. In relationships, attachment styles and intimacy go hand in hand and influence how we engage intimately with our partners. Hundley emphasizes that by recognizing these styles, we can better understand how emotions shape our sense of emotional safety during intimacy and how we approach closeness and intimacy in our relationships. This knowledge can help in overcoming relationship blocks and help with managing emotional triggers in relationships.
To fully understand attachment styles, it's important to reflect on the relationship we had with our guardians during childhood. A strong bond with a caregiver can make it easier to feel close and secure in adult relationships. On the other hand, an unstable or strained connection in childhood may lead to difficulties in discussing emotions, emotional withdrawal, or struggles with trust, which can hinder building secure attachments.
Now that we understand how and why these attachment styles come to be, we can explore what are the different attachment styles
Anxious Attachment
High need for approval and reassurance
Fear of abandonment and rejection
Intense emotional highs and lows
Tendency to be overly dependent on relationships
Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment
Discomfort with closeness and emotional expression
Emphasis on independence and self-sufficiency
Tendency to suppress emotions and avoid dependency
May appear aloof or emotionally distant
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment
Inconsistent and contradictory behaviors
Desire for closeness combined with a fear of intimacy
Difficulty regulating emotions and forming stable relationships
Often associated with trauma or unresolved issues from childhood
Secure Attachment
Comfortable with both closeness and autonomy
Positive view of self and others
Ability to form stable, trusting relationships
Effective communication and emotional regulation
Do any of these sound familiar? Recognizing and acknowledging how these attachment styles influence your relationship is key. Understanding your own attachment style—and that of your partner—can help you pause and reflect when triggered, allowing you both to break patterns of unhealthy behavior and allow both of you to try connecting through vulnerability while helping in managing emotional triggers in relationships.
By exploring these attachment styles and the attachment wounds that may have shaped them, you can gain a deeper understanding of both yourself and your partner. If this concept remains challenging, a quick read through the attachment styles chapter in Hundley’s book as a DIY couples therapy guide, attending workshops on attachment styles, or exploring attachment theory in therapy can provide you with a comprehensive understanding. This insight paves the way for healthier communication in relationships, a better understanding of supporting your partner’s emotional needs, and the potential for establishing healthy relationship habits.
By Bertha Rios-Neikirk
Comments